The blue angel sat-
Alone.
The blue angel shed grey tears.
Tears fell like raindrops.

Drops of acid that smothered the grass.
Is she the angel of life?
or the angel that takes life?
Is she the angel that wipes away tears
or the angel that brings fear.

Fear is not a feeling.
It is an object;kept in a box.
Boxes of fear and sadness, fear and sadness and fear.
My memories are on this shelf together with my happiness.

Come with me loneliness.
I shall be your one and only friend.
Together we will brave knives and stones.
Words will not hurt me.
But I know you will.


                                  - This girl shed blood for tears. Waiting in vain.
                                            She got stood up once again.

I've been facing a couple of downs in my roller-coaster, drama queen life.
Once again i'm faced with this "you-sure-as-hell-don't-want-to-be-me" attitude.

I was looking at myself in the mirror -
and i thought of this poem.Enjoy.

                                                                                  

The Doormat

I looked at the sky,
but all i saw was ceiling.
I looked at the people around me,
only to see ice.
I welcomed the friends and foes,
only to be stepped upon.
trampled and deserted, i lay alone
determined to stand up again.
Building a fence around war torn grounds,
my sweet cottage,shrouded in clouds of pain
I could be useful, if only i could try harder.
I could be loved, if only you allow me to.
I could be more...
But, a doormat, will always be a doormat.

Basically i've been feeling as though everyone has deserted me.
There seems to be this invisible wall between ME and THEM.
Where i come from,like starvation in third world countries,
hypocrisy is rife.Politics can kill you. Even if you're only at school.

Teachers do it to students, students do it to their friends.
Boyfriends hurt their girlfriends, Girlfriends hurt their boyfriends.
Husbands hurt their wives and vice versa.
Siblings hurt each other.
This list goes on.
But what are we doing all these for ?
Does hurting someone to better yourself/cover your ass/save your skin
make you feel better at the end of the night ??
Does it ???  Search yourselves.

I think life is an irony. Take animal activists. - they garner support to save animals.but their morality is questioned: imagine telling a dying man that we can't save you because of animal rights. [i.e. the rights of a lab mouse is greater than yours.]

Another example would be when people hurt you, you build up a wall around yourself to prevent yourself from getting hurt. But everyone complains that you're cold and distant. Isn't it ironic that you've become like one of those who've hurt you in the first place?Worse still, they complain that it's your fault that they can't reach out to you because of your stupid wall.
But i always thought that friends would reach out to you even if it was the universe that seperated them? [much less a meagre wall]
But i guess my friends, that is the irony of life.
Live and let live.

Just my thoughts for the day. No offence to anyone in particular. Thanks Azri for inspiring me to write this article/post.

Right now, the person i need most, isn't next to me. But i really hope that he will understand why i do the things i do. It's difficult to be independent,strong and weak all at the same time. It's too many opposites.People expect me not to "bully" him. But we need to understand that i'm trying to keep it out of school. But i suppose no one understands. I'm glad this term is over, I'm glad i don't have to go to school. But i'm going to miss him for the next one week where i don't get to see him.

I guess, once again no one understands how misunderstood i feel, how left out i feel.

                                - sArAh - blogged cause she didn't know who to turn to 
                                                       Once again, this angel shed blood for tears.

I'm not really in the mood to talk about my life.
My poem, my thoughts. - Enjoy.

consumed by thoughts, i sat by the window.
The trees moved past me, one after the other.
Are they moving? Or is it me ?
The cat leaped off the wall,
landing all four paws steadily on the ground.

The kite flies higher with each turn.
But it will never come back down, will it?
It will fly off, won't it ?
My independence is gone with the wind.
The cat is caught in the running reel.

His independence has been tampered with.
His temprement has been meddled with.
He writhes on the ground in blood.
The glass laced string cuts him.
He cries a tear, but no one hears him.

Do you? His pain is calling out to you.
Do you hear it? Do you feel it?
His feline friend approaches.
She licks his wounds of blood.
She is forced away from him.

She wants to get close,
but the wiry fingers are closing down around her neck.
The last thing she sees is the darkness that envelopes her.
They are seperated.
The men in white, the women in white are the last things she'll ever see.

They will meet again.
Soon enough, when the glass strings unwind,
when the time turns back.
Everything will be as it once was.
Only to begin, all over, again.

                                          - sArAh - this girl,shed blood for tears. 
                                                                          devoid of life and feeling.

I really owe my classmates...Melody, Kah Shing, Azri, Candy, Jamie, Jieying, Meizhen, Noreen, Joyee ... a great apology and thank you !!! Cause i've been missing class and i know.. one way or another our group work's been affected... so once again.. i'm really sorry.

I've been down with this ridiculously bad case of gastric.. and i've seen 3 doctors up to date about it...my general practicioner told me to get some stupid hospital referral letter so that they knew about my case prior to hospital admission. So the 3rd time when i went to the polyclinic to get the letter.. the doctor there said i didn't need it.  I thought so... so anyway.. it was a great deal of relief seeing that i didn't need to be admitted...so here i am... resting at home.. and having porridge again.
Oh yes. Porridge. I've been having that on and off for about a week now... lets see.... fish porridge(2times), pork porridge, chicken porridge(4times) otherwise... it's Tau huey (almost everyday...) -.- oh gosh.. i feel like a baby.

i guess everytime something likethat happens... you get to learn who your true friends really are. =) Thank god for them, and God bless them.

This January has been a depressing month for me...

I mean...i think i'm fairly happy go lucky...going to school feeling good cause i like my class.. i think that really helps alot.. keeps you looking forward to school.. but i feel that there have been some people who have been really getting on my nerves.
Sitting on the side panel and merely judging... i've been watching a whole lot of bitching and backbiting going on. What happened to the love then.. ?
I won't say i'm a pro at being grateful to people.. but at least i don't snap at the people around them just because i'm mad at them over one incident. C'mon,live and let live. There's been this great shuffle in cliques and i guess some people really aren't happy with it. I mean.. someone's bound to get hurt along the way... maybe we shouldn't add insult to injury. It's kinda funny how in good times, you see everyone huddled together laughing... but in bad times... you see two or three people here and there... and you simply carry on with life.being apathetic isn't going to help matters. sheesh.Try thinking and acting like grown ups will you.. ? Another point i noted... was how some people forget others in the heat of the moment and trample all over their egos...

Look. There are times when i feel like trash; i wake up and i cry and cry; i cry myself to sleep, i cut myself and then i go to school looking ok.You may say, that's delusional.But I say, that's braver than going to school and acting like an idiot.

Is it really necessary to remain enemies for life over one incident.. ? Was there nothing that the person did in the past that could have been said to redeem himself/herself..? Think about it. JC lasts for 2 years at best.Do you want to leave school with more friends, or more enemies..?

Omg. bottled feelings feel better after being let out.

Anyway... my special HIM gave me a ring for my b'day present. It's really pretty and sweet.. He's the kind that doesn't mind going shopping with me and my mum.. so he ends up being abused and bullied into carrying all the stuff. He's been looking after me the past week or so cause i'm been so down and out that he's the on making sure i remember to eat my medicine.. he forgot to remind me last night and i forgot to take it. duh. He's the one making sure i've had my dinner. If not he'd buy dinner back for me... and he's even had to put up with my nonsense...  i think the medicine made me kinda depressed for awhile.. so i just kept crying and didn't want anything.. i cried for about 5 hours.. and to think he still put up with that. That's a whole lot of patience we're talking about,,,anyway. i simply adore him. Lol.

haha.I received a good deal of money cause relatives didn't know what to buy me for my birthday. I guess it's better that way.. cause i haven't even spent 1/4 of it... Lol. I went shopping for ALL the stuff i wanted and it turns out that my friends don't know what to get for me anymore.

Sk and Ili  got me a pair of pretty slippers...
Jian Qiang and Kun Tat got me an anklet from Moshi Moshi...
Azri got me a shoebag...
I got myself Maybelline Mascara...
My mummy signed me up for facial on the 27th...
Thanks !!!

Oooohhh.. i can't wait... to get well first... then i can celebrate my 18th birthday looking good. =) Too bad daddy is working in M'sia and can't make it back to celebrate it with me...

I think this year's little wishlist would be:
1. to do well for A's
2. spend more time with family
3. hangout with BPian buddies
4. hangout with class people
5. save up an entire Voda Voda [1.5L ] water bottle with coins
6. Spend more time with HIM
and...
7. maybe reveal HIS name at the end of A's. =P

Wish me luck..!!As to whether or not i manage to conquer my wishlist... life goes on.[As Quoted by Gerald Chew...06A02.] =)Love my family,love my dog, love my class, love my friends, love the school, love the council.Love everything.Oooh. AND. Love HIM too. hehs. All the best for common test J2s...!!!

          To all my closeest buddies... ...
                                                         When i was happy, you were there. 
                                                         When i was sad, you were still there. 
                                                         When i closed my eyes, you were there.
                                                         When i woke up, you were still there.
                                                         You were there when i needed you most.
                                                         Please let me be there for you now.

               My favourite line of the day:"Boyfriend, do you love me...?" - sArAh - 
                                                     you know what..? i Love you too.  on my 18th birthday,=)